Red Riding Hood - A Hunger Games Take
by StarsOfMagic
Summary: When Katniss Everdeen's mother gets rid of her daughter for the afternoon, disaster strikes in the form of a fairly-largish wolf. A parody of Little Red Riding Hood.


**Suzanne Collins owns the Hunger Games. I am not Suzanne Collins - why would I be writing this as a Fanfiction when I could be making it Canon?**

**Review!**

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Once there was a teenage girl named Katniss Everdeen. She was a smart girl, with a cold, irritable personality, and everyone that knew her loved her at once. Why, they didn't know – it was as if they'd just been programmed to like her.

Katniss was always receiving gifts from the people in her village, Twelve. The Mayor's daughter gave her an ugly pin, the Baker's son gave her a burnt loaf of bread that had been dropped in a puddle, and a king from a far off land gave her a sweet-smelling rose. But Katniss' most memorable gift by far had been the ugly dress that the Tailor, Cinna, had given her. It was bright red, with an annoying hood – she looked as if she were on fire when she wore it.

Whenever Katniss' mother forced her to wear the horrible thing, people in the street turned, clapped, and said in an unusually high pitched tone of voice, "Look! It's Not-So-Little Red Riding Hood!"

One gloomy spring day, Katniss' mother decided that she wanted to get rid of her oldest daughter for a while. Teenagers could be such a handful! So she gave her daughter a dirty cane basket covered with a threadbare blanket and told her to deliver it to her Grandma Effie, who lived in a deep, dark, and secretive part of the woods.

"Be back before supper," said Mrs Everdeen as she pushed Katniss out the door, forgetting that there was no supper unless Katniss caught it in the woods, "remember to stay on the path, don't talk to strangers-"

"OK, OK," Katniss snatched the basket, "mom, I've been in the woods thousands of times. I can take care of myself."

Mrs Everdeen gave a start, "The dress!" she ran to the row of hooks on the other side of the room and retrieved the red monstrosity.

"I'm not wearing that!" said Katniss indignantly.

"Yes you are," growled her mother, "you know that I live to embarrass you. Besides, the red color might attract game. Then you can catch dinner."

Katniss gritted her teeth, "Fine," she said finally, "if you say so."

Her mother simply nodded, trying to keep a straight face. However, as soon as Katniss had put on the dress and disappeared into the forest, a sly grin spread across her face. Why, she was the cleverest mother in the post-apocalyptic dystopian nation!

Meanwhile, Katniss continued along the annoyingly straight path to her Grandma's house. What she wouldn't give to be killing innocent animals with her friend/boyfriend Gale right now! The silly trail was so boring that she began to let her guard down.

So bored senseless was she that Katniss didn't notice the fairly largish wolf coming up to her. That fairly largish wolf was named Cato, and right now, he sensed an opportunity.

"Hello, Not-So-Little Red Riding Hood," he greeted in a charming, seductive voice.

Katniss jumped, "What the- oh. Hello."

"What's your name, Not-So-Little Red Riding Hood?" asked Cato.

"Katniss," said Katniss, eyes fixed straight ahead, "what's yours?"

"Cato," the wolf purred.

Katniss stopped abruptly. Slowly, she turned to glare at the fairly largish wolf.

"You aren't related to someone called… Buttercup, are you?"

Cato shrugged, "I might be. The only relative I know of is Clove. She's my girlfriend."

_Just to make it clear_… he thought to himself. He was after a meal, not a date. Just recently, he'd read a nasty book where a wolf like him had actually _fallen in love_ with a human! He'd been greeted by his breakfast not soon after closing the terrible thing.

"How can your girlfriend be your relative?" Katniss asked him.

"How can your girlfriend be _your face_?" the oh-so-smart fairly largish wolf retorted. Oh, how clever he was!

"What?" Katniss glanced disbelievingly at the dog that strolled beside her. He didn't reply; a wide grin, like a half a watermelon, had just appeared on his face. She instead turned back to the annoyingly straight path. If she was right, they were half way to Grandma Effie's.

Cato had noticed this too. _Damn_, he thought_, time to put my plan into action_.

He perked up his ears and made a show of sniffing the air, "Oooh, oooh!" he cried, blissfully unaware of how much like a monkey he sounded, "I smell a fat turkey over there!"

Katniss stiffened, "Where?" she asked.

"Over in that deserted clearing, a long way off from the path!" Cato replied, "you should go and have a look! I'll just go on and tell your Grandma that you'll be over there soon."

Not-So-Little Red Riding Hood sighed, "I don't have my bow or arrows, though," she said gloomily.

The wolf's heart sank. Uh oh!

"You can always strangle it," he said confidently, "I personally like to rip off its head first, but-"

"_Fine_," said the irritable girl, "you run ahead and tell Grandma that I won't be a few minutes."

Cato smirked as he ran off, wondering whether the old woman had some ketchup in the pantry…

A few minutes later, an angry Katniss strode off up the path again. The silly turkey had evaded her. She was seething as she walked, not stopping to think about the wolf, Cato.

When she arrived at her Grandma Effie's house, a new level of gloom set over her. Even before she had reached the stark modern gates, a whiff of Chanel No. 5 reached her, mingled with a chemical-ly smell. She punched the bright red button by the side of the gate.

"Katniss Everdeen, come to see her Grandmother, Effie Trinket."

There was no reply; no one made the effort to answer the gate. Snarling to herself, Katniss instead climbed over the fence and landed heavily on the magnificent drive. On one side of the garden was a sparkling pool complete with three floating li-los, and on the other side was a magnificent fountain. The not-so-little girl hardly noticed these magnificent features as she strode up to the heavy oak door and pushed it open.

"Hello?" she called.

"Katniss?" a weak, gruff voice came from the couch in the corner.

"I brought some game for you, Grandma Effie," Katniss set the bag of dead animals, still covered in blood, on an expensive marble side table.

"That's nice," said her grandma quietly, "come over here girl, and say hello to your Grandma."

Katniss wanted to groan. Her Grandma always stunk of horrible perfume. But she made her way over, because if she refused, then the story wouldn't be very interesting.

As she did so, she noticed exactly eighty six things about her Grandma. But she only voiced three of them, because Katniss was an impatient girl.

"What furry ears you have, Grandma," she said, always a girl to tell the truth.

"All the better to keep with the latest fashions." Her Grandma pulled the bonnet lower down her face.

Katniss frowned, "What large claws you have, too."

"That's a fashion as well."

"And your teeth… they're so sharp. You look like you've had a class with the butcher, Enobaria."

Effie shifted a little, obviously uncomfortable, "All the better to e- I mean, all the better to chew meat with, young child."

"What-"

"What do you think this is - twenty questions?" Grandma Effie suddenly barked.

Katniss blinked, "I was only going to remark how incredibly hideous you look today, Grandma."

Bad move. Her Grandma screamed, ripping off her clothes. Katniss screamed too, looking away. However, when she saw a flash of gray, she turned back… and gasped. It was, if you haven't figured it out before now, Cato the wolf!

"I LOOK INCREDIBLY SEXY TODAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" the fairly largish predator screamed.

Katniss blinked. Too bad she didn't have her bow and arrow with her, this thing's fur could be worth a lot. Oh, and it appeared to have eaten Effie… meaning, the house now belonged to Katniss!

"OH MY COLLINS! I GET TO KEEP THIS FREAKIN' LOVELY HOUSE!" the teenage girl shrieked, nearly as loudly as Cato. She was about to make a beeline for the pool when she suddenly felt something biting her arm.

"No you don't!" Cato laughed, although it was nearly unintelligible because he was using his teeth to eat to eat the girl in front of him. She struggled and shouted, making her difficult to chew. Finally, he ended up swallowing her whole.

"Damn!" Cato grimaced, "oh well… something to fill my belly."

It then struck him how very tired he was. He didn't know _why _he was tired – after all, he had nodded off just a few minutes earlier whilst he was waiting for the girl – but he felt that he just _needed _to sleep.

So with that thought in his mind, he fell asleep and began to snore. _Very _loudly. Dangerously loudly. In fact, he snored so loud that he caught the attention of a young huntsman outside.

"What's that noise?" Gale said aloud. Damn, it was annoying. He was trying to hunt, for Collins' sake.

He quickly deducted that it was coming from Catnip's Grandma's house. Perhaps it was the old woman herself? In any case, Gale felt that it was his duty to help.

Not bothering to buzz in, which would turn out to be the best decision of his life, Gale swung himself over the white wall and wandered over to the house. The door was wide open – obvious Effie was careless.

The rumbling snores got louder. Using his super power of ultra-quietness, the young man made his way to the couch and was greeted by a horrendous sight. A fairly largish gray wolf was lying there, snoring away. His belly was comically enlarge – and peculiar sounds were coming out of it.

"Help! Someone help! I'm stuck in this vile beast's belly!" a high-pitched voice warbled.

"Gale! I know you're there! Get me out!" the second voice was that of a teenage girl.

Gale gave a start, "Catnip!" he shouted, somehow not waking the wolf up. He grabbed his knife and leapt towards the beast, cutting its belly open. Five minutes later, Katniss and Effie, covered in disgusting stuff, were climbing out.

"This is vile!" shrieked Effie, "highly unhygienic! I'm off to have a shower!"

Cato groaned. In his dreams, a brightly colored daffodil began shrieking about hygiene. He rolled over, and slept on, which isn't anatomically possible since his belly was cut open and he was losing blood fast.

"Gale! You saved me!" Katniss grinned at her best friend.

"Anything for you Catnip," Gale winked cheesily, "and I have something to tell you… I love you."

The two best friends/lovers exchanged a cheesy smile, and if at that moment Cato hadn't woken up, I assure you that the cheesiness would've gone on, and this fanfiction wouldn't have been rated T anymore.

"Hairspray!" the young wolf said groggily, "pizza… two minute noodles…"

"Uh oh," Gale surveyed the wolf, before stating the obvious, "he's waking up."

"I have an idea," said Katniss suddenly, "let's fill his insides with stones from Effie's garden and then sink him in the pool."

Gale agreed, and together, they lifted the wolf and took him out into the garden.

Cato continued to mumbled nonsense as they laid him on the drive way, "Xylophone… maze runner… Grease… is… the… word… mathematics… Ron… Weasley… ticking… mysterious…"

"Weirdo," Katniss gathered a handful of stones. To her left, Gale did the same.

"Clove."

"Huh? What did you say Gale?"

Gale stared at her, "I didn't say anything, Catnip."

"Clovie…" Cato giggled.

"What's Clovie?" asked Gale.

"It's the name of his girlfriend, who happens to also be related to him," said Katniss thoughtfully.

Gale dropped his handful of stones, "Maybe we shouldn't drown him, then," he said guiltily.

"Are you joking? He's dying already," Katniss pointed out, "anyway, he's of more use in one of the soups at Sae's than with his stupid girlfriend/relation."

"Yeah, but what would you do if Cato killed me," said Gale urgently.

Katniss thought for a moment, "I'd probably enter an annoying depression and be useless for the rest of the book."

"Exactly," Gale nodded, "I say we give him a proper send-off. A fancy funeral."

Their eyes met, and the two nodded. Without a word, they picked up the fairly largish wolf and were just about to move him when a strange sound, like a hairdryer, filled the air.

"What's that?" asked Katniss, looking around.

"I think it's coming from above," observed Gale. They looked up to see a strange white blob, a bit like a Sting-Ray, flying through the air.

"I think it's a hovercraft," said Katniss.

High up in the sky, a man sat at the controls of the hovercraft. This man was none other than terrorist, Corolanius Snow.

"I declare war!" he shrieked, slamming his fist onto a big red button. Coincidentally, that big red button was printed with the words "Do Not Push" in white block letters.

BOOM!

The missile streaked through the air like a missile flying at top speed through the air. It continued like this until, a few short seconds later, it exploded, killing the millions of people in Twelve as well as not-so-little Red Riding Hood, the Huntsman, the Wolf, and the Grandma.

No feel-good endings in Panem.


End file.
